Wednesday, May 23, 2012

Plate of Scones, Anyone?



          A quick note to the unknown FB friend who alternates between dropping me from his friend list and re-adding me: What is going on here? I am the same person. (I almost just typed, “I am the same Peron.” Yes, I am still that lovable but authoritarian Argentinian dictator whose statuses you live to read! That sounds like a great title for a biography, by the way). I haven’t changed in the time between your “unfriending” me and refriending me.  Seriously, though, I don’t do controversy. If I may say so myself, I am funnier than the average chick. And my mommy blog hardly qualifies as a mommy blog—all plusses! Please make up your mind, unidentified FB acquaintance. Drop me from your fickle rolls if you must; I will survive the rejection.
Let's talk about something important: TV. I finally got Game of Thrones’ number. I have it sized up. It’s Downton Abbey all over again, but smellier. Instead of delicately wrought period costumes, the characters wear layers of fur and animal skins. Silver soup tureens? Forget about it; leg of boiled mutton is as refined as it gets. And it’s hard to tell how handsome most of the male leads in Thrones are because their chiseled faces are obscured by hair. Body hair, boiled meat, and layers of fur? All of these factors have one thing in common: PU. El stinko. The only exception is the dashing, thankfully clean-shaven Peter Dinklage, who plays the even-handed but calculating Tyrion Lannister.
You can practically see the stink coming off the actors in Game of Thrones. Granted, the denizens of Downton Abbey probably didn’t bathe much either, but at least they prettied themselves up with fancy clothes and perfume. When a character on Downton Abbey bothered to take a bath, things didn’t work out for her too well. The message is clear: bad things happen to clean people.
Sniff sniff...Is that me, or my fur?

"The night is dark and full of terrors." Yeah, we know. You only say it ALL the time!

            Although Game of Thrones has more action, it’s still very much a show about people talking about doing something—not now, but soon. Every week I curl up on the sofa in a tense ball to enjoy the political infighting, gratuitous sex scenes, and long and confusing conversations about war between hirsute men and women with plaited hair.  Every week I wait for something—anything—to happen. Now and then the series placates viewers with a teaser, a brief flash of primal violence, before it recedes back into chit chat. I have a sneaking feeling that the devoted fan base of Game of Thrones is the answer to the rabid players of Dungeons and Dragons from my youth; they value the process rather than the outcome. 

Thursday, May 10, 2012

New Blog, New Service!


PROFESSIONAL WRITER ISO CUSHY FACEBOOK GIG

Just wanted to put out there in the cyber-ether that I am available to be your professional proxy Facebook poster (PPFP). After being on FB for almost three years, I feel comfortable asserting that I know my FB “friends” (all 75 of them!) well enough to get inside their heads. After conveniently categorizing friends into tidy groups (bitter politicos; devoted moms; outdoor/sporting enthusiasts; drinkers; musicians; neutral members who use their FB page for professional and related posts; the single-issue friend; the friend that has a knack for sharing pithy posters of old-fashioned sketches making very modern, sometimes slightly naughty pronouncements about issues of the day).
Don’t be put off by the fact that I have “only” 75 friends. Why, you object, someone with 500+ friends would be more qualified, more “linked in,” than a user of my seemingly lesser status. My response to this critique is twofold: First, if I had 634 friends I would never be able to get to know them as individuals. Secondly, do you know how many friend requests I have “ignored”? Nothing personal, though; I simply did not feel comfortable indulging their morbid curiosities about me, which would have been satisfied after viewing my toothy pictures anyway.
You may have thought that such a luxurious service was only available to organizations like the American Cancer Society, the ACLU, or President Obama’s re-election campaign. Why shouldn’t you have the same chance to experience the high of sharing personal minutiae as well as life’s milestones without going through the trouble of writing well? Not only will I lovingly craft your status about getting food poisoning at Denny’s, I promise to proof said status for grammatical errors and sense.
This is all a big, fat prelude to the unveiling of my new blog! In case you doubt my writing abilities, check it out. It doubles as a personal writing portfolio, which is why I have dubbed it “Aisha’s Writing Portfolio.” Catchy, no? Check out my syntheses and summaries of the best medical-related articles available online. Recent topics include what happened to the drug Vioxx and exactly why it might be bad for you; ticks; how cells recycle their garbage; food deserts; and pieces linking exercise to all sorts of good stuff. Who knows? Some of you may have outgrown the potty humor of Hell’s Domestic Backside. Maybe mommy blogs, however demented, simply don’t appeal to you anymore. If so, checking in from time to time with “Aisha’s Writing Portfolio” may be your best option.