Sunday, April 2, 2017

Ski Pants Are Not WOKE

WOKE (definition of, courtesy of the Urban Dictionary): "being aware, and 'knowing what's going on in the community.' It's also specifically associated with being anti-racism and anti-social injustice.

Time to indulge in a little "me-search." Unlike "research," this requires little to no intellectual rigor, because who has time to look up facts and evidence? It's much easier to write about yourself--who knows you better than YOU?

I've been MIA on Facebook for months. Except for Instagram, social media these days seems to be just a vehicle for angry people to whip other people up into a frenzy and to pick fights with each other online. In other words, it's a total time waster and also makes it seem like everyone is a big jerk (which they are not). It is OKAY if we do not all agree with one another all of the time, mmmkay?

Back to the me-search! Last night we returned from our first skiing trip in Steamboat Springs, Colorado. To my surprise, the four of us took to skiing very well, and by the end of the four days all of us had reached "green" status (intermediate) and not relying on the "wedge" to slow down as often as we were the first day. On the down side, skiing is a super expensive sport, as my foray into the world of ski pants was a painful reminder.

My lower body is not straight. I have a smaller waist but a bigger bum. It's not huge, it's all proportional, but I'm definitely curvy. And by that, I'm not speaking euphemistically like in those Dove ads featuring overweight gals; I have an hourglass figure, but I'm not fat. I'm not even big boned--sorry, Cartman.

Shopping for ski pants, then, made me feel like Goldilocks. Too long! Waist too tight! Cannot even pull them past my derriere to find out if the waist fits! The first pair was from Amazon--amateur's mistake! Try them on before you buy--barely snapped shut, and breathing was a problem. When I leaned forward ever so slightly, my gallbladder shifted perceptibly. After we got to Denver, we swung by the REI flagship store (totally awesome, by the way) to try on some more pants.

Wanna look like THIS

Ski pants were designed by a white supremacist! How do non-white women squeeze into these straight and unyielding, unflattering contraptions? I'm almost 100% Caucasian but I'm half Black Irish and half Turkish. Someone in my past had an ample behind, a pox be on her and her ilk.

Scandinavians and WASPs wiggle effortlessly into their ski pants. They get a perfect fit on the first try. We ethnic women are not as blessed. The pair that finally fit me, of course, had no price tag, already a red flag. They were not on sale, and in fact cost over $300. I felt quite slighted by this macroaggression. It was as if the entire skiing apparel industry was saying, hey, you're "differently shaped" and that's cool, but we are going to charge you extra for that additional pound of flesh. Feeling very much the victim of an alt-right conspiracy, I joined the REI savings club to get my 20% off and a free strip of fruit leather.

But actually look more like HIM (2nd from the right)

My pants are not sexy. They appear to be suited for wading in a clogged reservoir, or some other mannish pursuit that isn't coming to mind at the moment. They may not be WOKE, but they were warm and comfortable and faithfully got me through three days of AWESOME skiing. All's well that ends well!

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