Zombie on a Spit Makes for a Tasty if Unfair Exchange

Episode 5, Season 2: “Captive”

Today’s episode opens with a cooking demonstration, hearkening back to TWD. Carol, as you recall, can do wonders with revolting ingredients that she forages from nearby wooded areas. This demo, however, appears a tad more upscale.  Too much garlic, in my opinion. A steak sizzles in a pan. Mounds of cilantro are chopped on a cutting board. We see Alicia’s horrified face in the foreground: “Oh my God, I’m VEGAN! What AM I going to eat??”

Alicia, as you may recall, is a captive. The mysterious Millennial whom she chatted so loquaciously with via ham radio found the Abigail. His companions are the charming Bieber, who may still be on Strand’s yacht, and a pregnant psychopath who sparred with Mad Mom during the last installment of the show. Alicia’s hair is looking especially lustrous for someone who probably hasn’t seen a bottle of conditioner since they left Los Angeles.

Alicia asks her bearded captor about Travis and the rest of her family. He’s not “Jack” but he does cook a mean steak. He dashes off and Alicia tries the steak. Pregnant bitch takes the plate of food away for herself; eating for two, you know! Then, she locks Alicia in the kitchen. She vainly tries a few other doors before finding herself on top of the boat in the fresh air. The boat is not on the water at all, but rather dry-docked at a seedy looking pier.

A young guy (Jack?) herds her back to below the boat. Conor this, Conor that…Alicia wants answers about her family. Meanwhile, Ruben attends a bleeding Bieber as he sits and sweats, tied to a chair. A pointy sharp object is sticking out of his belly. He taunts a glaring Chris. Turns out, Conor is Bieber’s brother. Ruben cleans his wound with antiseptic, which stings just a leeeeeetle bit. Bieber threatens Ofelia. Ruben points out that genuinely threatening men don’t proclaim how tough they are. Bieber shuts up. Ruben appoints Chris to stand guard outside Bieber’s door. Mad Mom steers the boat to reach her family. Strand’s Mexican henchman objects; they’re dead, and we need to get to Mexico! He starts speaking with Strand in Spanish. Strand is still weakened from his ocean jaunt.

Jack shows Alicia a radar screen. Basically, they’re post-apocalyptic pirates. Her new job is to lure the boats on the radar to get closer, so Conor et al. can hijack them and take what they want. Travis is locked up deep in the bowels of the boat. He apparently is not as cute or useful as Alicia. A woman pops up! Who is she? Another captive? And why, again, does her hair look better than MINE???

She’s not a prisoner. It’s the attractive young Asian woman from the dinghy that Strand “liberated.” She describes having to kill her dinghy mate right before he turned, and also that she told Conor about the Abigail’s whereabouts when he found her on the ocean. She further is convinced that she specifically requested Travis as a prisoner; what WHAT? Wasn’t it Strand who did the bad deed? Confused.

Mad Mom chides Strand for using Nick as his errand boy. Strand retorts that Nick is a very talented young man who has a lot of potential. Alicia has potential, too! She’s learning how to be a total asshole from Jack. There seems to be some sort of misunderstanding about the Abigail that I did not quite catch. Jack has been hiding something. Alicia wants to find her family. Jack says he wants to accompany her?

Nick, who now resembles the love child of Johnny Depp and Betelgeuse, is assembling and disassembling a gun. He’s good at it. His hair is just as it should be, greasy and unkempt.

Attractive Asian woman resents being putting in the raft by Travis in the first place. What the heck, lady, your friend was headed for Zombieville. She would have done the same thing in his place. Also, your hair, upon closer examination, is a frizzy mess. I guess the salt and humidity has NOT been so kind. Now I can return to feeling smug. Travis ruminates aloud as the lady looks on. Hey, I’m no better than Strand. He shares that he killed his ex-wife for the same reason and he apologizes. She sounds less angry.

"Does anyone have any leave-in conditioner?"

Chris listens to Bieber coughing. Bieber is going to try and goad him again; will Chris be a hothead and act foolishly? Survey says yes. Bieber asks about Chris’ “real” mom. Nick sees the convo going down. Chris tells Nick that it’s his fault for letting the terrorists on the boat. Nick reassures him. Nick’s hair has been tamed with bacon grease. Either that, or he’s actually taken a shower.

Alicia is reunited with Travis. She tells him that Jack has turned on Conor…or has he? Travis reveals that Alex, the bitter dinghy frizzy-haired woman, is totes angry. Alicia wants to rectify the mess that she helped to create, but Travis knows that she is fairly inept and too trusting. What can he do, though, he’s still locked up.

Strand has perked up. A message comes over. Mad Mom responds, you’ll get Bieber back when I get my family back. The caller wants to talk to Bieber (Reid). Mad Mom is pissed that the Abigail was not given safe passage. A muffled gunshot goes off. Mad Mom finds Chris in the hallway. Bieber has been shot; Chris says he was going to turn. So much for an exchange! Mexican henchman has had enough drama. Let’s go, already, he says!

"Mom Not Mom, I just like to kill, mmmkay?"

Mad Mom sits with Chris. He used Bieber’s own gun to end it. She reassures him that they can still get Trav back. Chris insists that he had to kill him, but we know that lately he has begun to take pleasure from destruction. Ruben and Ofelia cleans up the backspatter from Bieber’s death. Then, Bieber DOES start to turn, because the head wound was more of a craniofacial wound. Quick-thinking Ruben impales Bieber into the wall using yet another pointy implement. So in a sense, he’s “alive,” and they can still do the trade. Perverse thinking, to be sure, but ingenious in its own right.

Bieber ends up in a chair with a hood over his head. Ruben and Ofelia drag the snarling captive out of the room. Nick tries to convince his mom that he’s the man to take Bieber to Conor, but his enthusiasm rankles her. She climbs into a dinghy with the hooded zombie. From the Abigail, Travis is seen being led to the deck, but not the fair Alicia, who unfortunately crosses paths with the pregnant bitch. Alicia tries to wrest a weapon from her hands and successfully locks her in “the cage.” Small potential problemo during the exchange of captives. Reid is totally hungry, and by the time Conor realizes his brother is a walker, he takes a sizable chunk of flesh from his big brother’s forearm. Totally tits!

"Craniofacial wound, bitches! You missed!"

Travis is safe with Mad Mom, for now, but as you can imagine the other terrorists are kinda pissed. A lot of punching and wrestling.  Alicia is free, for now. Jack stops her. Your family sucks, he says, stay with me. She slides down into the water. Travis pulls her into the dinghy. Jack looks stunned. The dinghy speeds away.