WHAT I LIKE ABOUT YOU

An unknown Starbucks. WOMAN is seated alone at a table for two, tapping away at her Chromebook. A handsome MAN aged around 50 enters the cafe. He’s carrying a zipped folder under one arm and hesitantly looks around. WOMAN motions him over.

WOMAN: Hi [brightly]! You’re early. That’s good…[glances down at watch] I have a few other candidates to meet before closing time.

MAN: [sits across from her, places the folder on the table, and briskly unzips it to remove two crisp pages, which he hands to her]

WOMAN: [putting a hand up] No no, that’s not necessary–I already received your file. Let’s review, shall we?

MAN: [nods vigorously] 

WOMAN: [pulls his resume from a manila folder] OK…So you’re from Philadelphia…then NYU for law...and you now travel the world scouting out innovative business ventures. Would you describe yourself as a consultant?

MAN: [nods once]

WOMAN: Interesting. It says here you’ve been divorced for eight years, with a total of two significant relationships, “significant” defined as lasting greater than or equal to one year. Not bad…I presume you’ve had therapy?

MAN: [nods three times]

WOMAN: In fact, under “Interests” you put “personal growth.” I also see “golf,” “the beach,” “dogs,” and “coffee.” [removes sexy librarian reading glasses and places the tip of one of the arms in her mouth]. Does “coffee” truly represent an interest? It’s a hot beverage. Everybody drinks it, every day. It’s like, “One of my interests is ‘breathing,’ so I like ‘oxygen.” [slightly mocking manner]

MAN: [frowns and appears confused]

WOMAN: Never mind. Thank you for including a few pictures…they really are a window into your personality. [shuffling printouts] Here’s a bathroom mirror selfie…and a gym selfie–nice biceps, by the way…oh! I love this one. The guitar grimace. Hiking, the beach, the dog…[shuffling through them rapidly], etc. So, yeah.

MAN: [smiling]

WOMAN: Two women in particular highly recommended you. If I may? [puts on glasses again to read. MAN nods indicating assent] “Very empathic,” ”Answers texts promptly,” and “Fucks often and well.”

MAN: [blushes deeply]

WOMAN: Hmm…[lowers her glasses to intently peer at MAN] But there’s more to a relationship than hot sex…amirite?

MAN: [looks furtively from right to left]

WOMAN: [smiling] Don’t worry, there are no right or wrong answers here. I’m just trying to get to know you better [sweetly]. I should remind you that this is a hybrid position. Some of your responsibilities are in-person only, but for the most part you’ll be working remotely. Is this the kind of position you’re looking for?

MAN: [nods vigorously]

WOMAN: Great. The ratio of remote to in-person works out to be about 60/40. You’ll be expected–but not required–to text me no more than three to five times daily. Any more than that is clingy. Bawdy quips, making plans, etc, are welcome. Please, no “Whatcha doings” or “How is your day goings.” Please note: my attachment style is anxious, so if you don’t text me at all for over 6 hours I will assume you’re either dead or ghosting me. Both of which are highly triggering.

MAN: [nods]

WOMAN: In-person responsibilities will include sex, cooking together, eating out, binge watching, or handy jobs around my house. If we do mutually agree to pursue a long-term relationship, you will be expected to help me move at least once [MAN grimaces] and/or assemble furniture. How’s your lower back? [strokes chin thoughtfully]

MAN: [appears disgusted].

WOMAN: [sighing] Look, I get it. Maintaining a relationship can be hard work. But in the end, it’s worth it. Think of it as a mutually beneficial trade deficit. I provide a physical-emotional connection and delicious baked goods, and you move heavy shit for me. Of course I’m simplifying things, but you get the general idea. I promise to never, ever impose a tariff, ha ha ha ha! Anyways, moving on. [picks up resume and reads the opening paragraph aloud]: “Securely attached man with a strong focus on enhancing the dating experience through acts of kindness, physical touch, and positive daily affirmations.” Now you’re speaking my love language! [pounds table] “Interested in a long-term relationship, open to short.” [sighs and tents fingers] Do you know the definition of a short-term relationship?

MAN: [shakes head “no”] 

WOMAN: It’s a long-term relationship that went sideways. Right off the bat, you’re hedging your bets. I feel like we need to demystify a lot of this jargon. Are you truly “emotionally available,” or did you see that on Instagram? What the fuck does that even mean? But enough about you! Let me tell you what I’m looking for. 

MAN: [leans in intently and looks at WOMAN]

WOMAN: Number one–empathy. 

MAN: [reaches his hand across the table and places it on hers, with a concerned expression on his face, head slightly cocked]

WOMAN: Someone with a sense of humor….

MAN: [quickly pulls a red rubber clown nose from his jacket pocket and fans his open hands around his face, smiling maniacally]

WOMAN: But also… a thoughtful individual, who is curious about the world he inhabits.

MAN: [swiftly removes fake nose and starts stroking his chin as he looks around the room critically]

WOMAN: An intelligent person who is a lifelong learner.

MAN: [pulls a pair of prescription eyeglasses from the inside pocket of his blazer in addition to a small paperback book titled “CARING FOR YOUR ORCHIDS,” which he commences to studiously read]

WOMAN: Someone who isn’t afraid to show his emotions.

MAN: [removes a handkerchief from his breast pocket to dab the corners of his eyes while also softly sniffing]

WOMAN: Being a good cook doesn’t hurt either.

MAN: [removes a medium-sized bowl and whisk from under the table. He starts to furiously beat the whisk in said bowl]

WOMAN: I confess that a man who works out is very sexy.

MAN: [hastily removes his blazer, and rips the tear-away muscle tee underneath to reveal his naked chest. He confidently flexes one bicep]

WOMAN: Confidence and ambition are a plus.

MAN: [places two telephones, a notepad and two pencils on the table. He places one pencil behind his ear, holds both receivers one at each ear, and starts scribbling on the pad as he pretends to indicate “buy and sell” to invisible colleagues]

WOMAN: However, shared values are more important to me than shared interests. For example, is this man ready to be vulnerable? Is he truly open to a more significant relationship, or does he actually prefer a safer, superficial arrangement? I guess we first need to figure out what we as individuals desire and are ready for at this moment.

MAN: [still shirtless, he has a worried look upon his face]

WOMAN: I’m still figuring it all out [sighs]. I don’t know. Dating after divorce is a whole new ballgame, amirite?

MAN: [actively scowling]

WOMAN: Can I share with you the quality I value most, both in myself and a potential partner?

MAN: [nods eagerly and leans forward]

WOMAN: [inhales sharply] Sincerity.   

MAN: [suddenly arises from table, puts his blazer back on over his naked chest, throws all of his props and zipper folder into a cardboard box he has removed from under the table, and leaves.]

WOMAN: [looks after him wistfully for a brief moment. She sighs and looks at her watch. Another 50-ish man with graying hair strides into the cafe carrying an acoustic guitar in one hand walking a dog with the other, with a cup of coffee tucked precariously under one arm. He sits across from her at the table and smiles.]