Hell's Domestic Backside

OLDER MAN AT PHARMACY COUNTER: $1,286?!! For Viagra? TECH AT CASHIER: [shrugging] I’m sorry, sir, but your insurance just won’t cover it.  OLDER MAN: What does a guy have to do around here to get a boner?  [scene freezes and pharmacy goes dark except for a spotlight on SPOKESMAN] SPOKESMAN [wearing a dark suit, white button down shirt, and tie, steps out of darkness] Has this ever happened to you ? [points to camera, breaking the fourth wall] TECH: Step right down here, sir! [TECH sprints breathlessly from the front register to consult window] OLDER MAN: [desperately but hopefully following TECH] Isn’t there anything you can do? SPOKESMAN [standing behind TECH]: There sure is. A couple strokes on the keyboard [winks at camera with a half smile] is all it takes. OLDER MAN: Sounds good to me. What’s not to like? SPOKESMAN: Edit, scan, apply coupon– TECH: [tapping furiously away at keyboard] SPOKESMAN: Now enter enter enter, and voila! TECH: That’ll be $23.47. OLDER MAN: [astoni...

SCENE: A busy retail pharmacy. TECHNICIAN (TECH) stands at a monitor at the Consult window. She taps away noisily at the keyboard, engrossed in a task. PATIENT approaches and waits to be helped. TECH: Hi! How can I help you? PATIENT: Hi, how's it going. I’m here to refill a prescription. For some reason, it wasn’t ready [mildly annoyed]. TECH: I see [all business]. What’s your last name? PATIENT: [about to speak, TECH interrupts] TECH: Sorry! Can’t see without my glasses [she starts rummaging around in the pockets of her scrubs]. Okay! [places them on her face] PATIENT: Great. Last name is Smith, spelled S-M-I– TECH: [seductively runs the tip of her tongue along her lower lip] These are my sexy librarian glasses. PATIENT: Oooh! [approvingly and lasciviously]  TECH: [whips them off and replaces with a different pair] John Lennon glasses. PATIENT: Imagine that. TECH: [whips off and replaces] Leon Trotsky glasses. PATIENT: Radical, but I’ll allow it. TECH: [whips off and replaces] The...

  As I am shuffled through a dark, narrow tunnel by faceless attendants, my claustrophobia escalates from a minor issue to a big problem.    My two children, unnaturally calm husband, and myself are then gently transported in oversized seashells through yet another curving, dark tunnel featuring dancing images of Nemo and Dory. I manage to quell my rising panic attack. Welcome to “The Happiest Place on Earth”! If you are considering a family trip to the Walt Disney World (WDW) theme parks located in and around Orlando, Florida, read on. If, however, you expect a cheerful litany of helpful hints, think again. My impressions of the parks and the quality of Disney’s cuisine, lodging, and service are rendered with a gimlet eye: No detail escapes my hyper-vigilant worldview. I do admire Disney’s vision, and the organization is engaged in wonderful endeavors. But I would be remiss if I did not also point out the less sunny side of WDW. It IS a “small world,” after all, until yo...

The court of Henry VIII, 1538. The King’s private chambers. KING HENRY’s wife, Jane Seymour, died tragically in 1537 shortly after giving birth to his only legitimate surviving son. The King’s advisors are urging him to marry again to secure the Tudor line by siring more male children, but his heart simply isn’t in it. This morning, he has called for his most faithful servant, THOMAS CROMWELL, to advise him regarding the all-important selection of his soon-to-be (heretofore unknown) fourth wife. HRH is also flanked by his favorite fool, RODERICK (RODDY), who happens to be a little person. RODERICK sits by the fireplace softly shaking a set of maracas while HRH reclines in an XXXL comfy chair with his infected leg resting on an ottoman. A young man with a bad bowl haircut stands by a large bay window strumming a lugubrious tune on his lute. CROMWELL loudly knocks on the heavy paneled doors. HRH: Enter! Roddy, go greet Thomas as he comes, take his coat. [RODDY scurries to the door as CRO...